“No” and Gratitude

As a kid, I was fascinated with mythology, Greek, Roman, and Norse. I couldn’t get enough of Zeus, Neptune, Thor, and their companion gods and goddesses. In reading the stories, I was fascinated by fate and the gods’ role. When I asked my high school teacher which of the two was the prevailing force, she replied that fate reigned supreme and that the role of the gods was to serve as agents of fate, intervening as necessary to steer us toward or away from anything that would compromise our destiny. I realize today that there are other points of view on this topic, but my high school teacher’s explanation has served me with great utility.

We are who and where we are today because of the countless people we’ve met – some who told us “yes” and others “no.” Those people have served as our agents of fate. Those who said “yes” opened a door, while the people who told us “no” may have closed a door; they also gave us access to a world of possibilities that would not have been available to us if we got a “yes.” As I reflect on my life, I wouldn’t change a thing from my past out of fear that anything I altered would have affected where I sit today, enjoying an ensemble of incredible family and friends I wouldn’t trade for the world and doing the work I find enormously fulfilling. 

Hearing No

If you’re like me, you’ve applied to jobs or went after things during your career and have been on the receiving end of a “no” more times than you can remember. During those moments, I felt rejected, disappointed, and at a loss for what was next. Today, I look at every one of those occasions with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I realize now I got a “no” for a reason, and there was a lesson for me in every case.

I wasn’t good enough. Yes, I’ll begin with rejection because some things can’t be sugarcoated. There were jobs that I applied for that were awarded to other candidates because they were better at their craft than I was at the time. My choices were to be resentful or up my game. The lesson was that if I aspired to achieve certain milestones, I had to dedicate myself to my craft. Hearing “no” helped me approach my work as a student (never as an expert), as there is always more to learn and ways to improve – that keeps me listening, learning, and leading to this day.

I was the wrong fit for the culture. Having the ability to do the job, or even excel at it, doesn’t make you the best fit for the organization trying to fill a position. Leaders who understand what it takes to succeed in a specific company hold the keys to making good hiring decisions. Sometimes, when you hear “no,” it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good, it simply indicates you wouldn’t be good there. Believe them and thank them; they have saved you and everyone else from a situation that would not serve anyone. Lesson: Culture matters. You should pay attention to it as much as a company does. If a company does decide to hire you and you know it’s the wrong fit for you, give them the gift of “no.”

I was the wrong person for the moment. I remember serving on a board of directors for a not-for-profit, where our executive director informed us that she was leaving to accept another position. We loved her and were convinced we would never find anyone else like her. Of course, the more closely we looked at the opportunities and challenges ahead of us, the more we understood that we needed a leader with different gifts. We didn’t need to hire a clone of the executive director who was leaving us; instead, we took it as an opportunity to meet the moment. I applied for plenty of jobs where I had the skills and would have been a cultural fit; it was just the wrong time. Lesson learned.

I didn’t see the whole chessboard. When I owned a public relations firm in the mid-to-late 1990s, firms like mine were being acquired at an increasing rate, so it got me thinking about approaching one of the multinational firms to gauge interest. I swung for the fences by making my case to Burson-Marsteller global CEO Chris Komisarjevsky. I also had several meetings with his team. At the time, I loved the people there, and I really wanted to work AT the home of PR legend Harold Burson and work FOR one of the most impressive leaders I’ve ever met (Chris K, as he is often called).

Unfortunately, it did not work out. As Chris explained (paraphrasing), “You’ve made your case quite well, but with only so much money budgeted for acquisitions, I need to look at this beyond a singular transaction. I must make the best decision among agencies like yours across cities worldwide regarding which ones will best serve our clients and our growth.” I wasn’t being rejected; I just wasn’t seeing the whole chessboard. It was the right decision for all involved, and even though I never worked for Chris K., I continue to learn from him through his books and his example.  

Summary 

You’ll likely never escape the initial disappointment of hearing someone tell you “no.” You can, however, quickly come to regard it as a gift if you look at the whole chessboard. The people we meet in life, whether it’s someone we encounter on a two-hour plane trip who we will never see again or our lifelong friends and family who stand with us and by us. They are our agents of fate, and I am grateful for every one of them.

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Written by Leo Bottary.
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