Stealing the Stage and Being Given the Stage

I’m sure most of us have been in conversations when a friend called us amid a challenge or all-out crisis. We hear the angst and urgency in their voice. We ask clarifying questions, and to demonstrate empathy, we engage our friend by sharing our own story. We feel the need to explain that we’ve been through a similar situation and may even go as far as talking about how we handled it. I’ve done it countless times, and I’m sure many of you have, too. It’s well intended, but in reality, you just hijacked the conversation from the person who called you. All they needed from you was to lend an ear or provide comfort. By injecting your story, the chances are good that you accomplished neither.

Unsolicited or Solicited? 

A Forum Leader recently described this scenario to me, questioning whether sharing experiences with group members is problematic for the same reason. This was a great question that gave me pause to consider when it’s appropriate to share experiences and when it’s not. For me, it comes down to whether the person sharing their experience was asked to do so or not.

Many groups or forums prefer to share experiences instead of offering advice. Stanford University’s David L. Bradford is among the champions of this approach, stating that giving advice can compromise psychological safety and shut down a conversation rather than open it. Advice giving can become more about the person giving the advice than the one receiving it, and because all too often, advice giving is articulated as something someone should do, it puts the recipient on their heels. This too, comes down to not whether advice giving is bad, so much as whether it is solicited or unsolicited.

Group Experience and Advice Giving 

That said, while I will fall short of offering advice to those forums that only share experiences and do so quite successfully, my experiences have shown that there’s another way to approach it. If you want to share experiences or give advice, whether it’s a 121 conversation or in a forum setting, it would be wise to get permission first.

In the opening paragraph, we stole the stage from our friend by injecting our experience without having been asked. Instead, use your experience to ask more precise, clarifying questions to help both of you better understand the situation. Your friend may discover a next step or an answer for herself based on your dialogue. If she asks specifically if you’ve had a similar experience, by all means, share it, as she has just ceded the stage to you. By exercising patience, you’ll share your story with a more welcoming recipient or may not share it all. It’s not about you; it’s about your friend.

CEO Peer Groups and Forums engage in real-time case studies or issue processing. In issue processing, a member bringing a challenge to the group asks the initial question: How do I (address challenge x)?

Then, they answer the following three questions:

1. Why is it important to me?
2. What have I done about it to date?
3. What help do I need from the group?

The last question is crucial because it provides clarity to the other group members about what the member needs at this point. I suggest that they answer it in one of three ways:

1. I need to be heard.
2. I want others to share their experiences.
3. I am open to advice.

Regardless of what you need from the group, you are permitting them to take the stage. When this happens, the member’s ears and minds are wide open to receive whatever you have to give. Assuming the member chooses option three, my only suggestion to the advice givers is never to give advice as a directive, “Here’s what you should do” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” Instead, think of presenting it as “Here’s what you could do” and let them grab hold of it and own it, should they choose to do so.

Summary 

Think about how often you’ve confronted this situation – whether it was a phone call or a group meeting. Then, ask yourself how often you stole the stage before it was given to you. Going forward, if someone gives you the microphone, by all means, accept it; if they don’t, resist the temptation to take it, no matter how important and relevant you find your own story. Let patience and curiosity rule the next time you find yourself in this situation.

Written by Leo Bottary.
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