Tools to boost your emotional intelligence and why it can reap rewards at work

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy…to be angry with the right person to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.” (Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics)

In her book Emotional Agility Susan David defined four key strengths of the emotionally intelligent leader:

• Showing up:  Facing emotions and thoughts openly and willingly
• Stepping Out: Being able to see situations from a different perspective
• Walking your why: Living your values (identification or stating them is not enough)
• Moving on: Balancing challenge and competence so that you are always stretching through your comfort zone and promoting growth.

Productivity (and profit) depends on performance, and performance is enhanced when the leader has a high level of emotional intelligence, understanding and management to be able to motivate, appreciate, support, signpost, direct, train, coach, mentor or role model consistently to their teams. But, for leaders, when you have to navigate the challenges of life’s roller coaster not just for yourself, but your organisation, and with your teams and customers or clients – it can become exhausting and a misplaced outburst, however unintentional, can do damage that can be difficult to recover from.

Emotional Intelligence may be practically defined as:

• Ability to recognise emotions responding appropriately in our personal conduct as well as interactions with others
• Ability to express and manage our feelings in an effective manner
• Ability to handle interactive relationships effectively – even if we need to express something different to how we feel inside (and ways to recharge from that demand)

Like any skill, emotional intelligence can be enhanced with practice, and there are three key stages in which it is best used and strengthened:

i) At the point of crisis

There is no point telling yourself in the midst of a cortisol rush to ‘calm down’.  Instead try to engage your cognitive brain:

1. Ask yourself ‘Is there another way I can interpret this?’ or ‘Is there another thing they may have meant’:  This can be helpful in preventing us from taking things too personally, but also in recognising when we might inadvertently behave in a way that could have been misconstrued by someone else. By being aware that communications are only ever as effective as how they are received, we remain mindful that we might be projecting our own feelings onto a situation, rather than understanding it as it really is.
2. Active Listening:  Rather than listening in order to reply (ie. thinking about what you are going to say), or to defend or argue, engage with what you hear. Ask questions about what they have said or paraphrase back your understanding to them which enables you to check that you have understood their meaning. This is also a great way to build rapport because the person speaking feels heard.  It can also go a long way to diffusing a situation.  
3. Use affirmations.  Try repeating ‘Even if I cannot control anything around me, I can control my breathing’, or ‘I know I cannot save people from themselves’. Affirmations can ground you and give you head space to think of your next action…and in taking that action, focus on the outcome you wish to achieve, rather than ‘winning’.

ii) For resolution: Focus on fact over emotion 

Unfortunately, while something may not be your fault, it might have ended up your ‘problem’ to deal with.  When resolving a situation try to avoid blame or ‘he said, she said’ by focusing on facts and evidence.

• State the situation as factually as possible (using evidence as appropriate)
• Set out or ask for the resolution being hoped for, and listen to see if negotiation is needed, knowing which procedures are open to you
• If resolution is beyond your limits, bring in someone who can help, while being clear to explain the situation to them, so as not to cause further problems in having a disgruntled person repeat themselves
• Outline the next steps – a sense of control can help restore emotional balance.

iii) Emotional work outside the points of crisis

Because our brains are ultimately designed to survive, we tend to seek, process and experience more negativity than positivity. However, the more we can experience positive situations, the better our positive affect, so:

1. Play – simply for the sake of having fun
2. Spend time with those who make you feel loved.  You may ask the question – am I smiling  because others make me happy, or is it because I don’t want them to be sad…but either way, at least you are smiling.  Longitudinal studies on happiness and work in the field of Positive Psychology cite healthy relationships as a key determinant of life satisfaction and longer life.
3. Adventure and curiosity – part of being alert for threat is alertness to difference – but difference is often felt more positively, and so going a different route home, or looking at something from a different angle, simply looking up when you’re out for a walk can also give our emotional brain a boost.

Finally, do not underestimate kindness as the simplest form of emotional connection.

Wuthnow (1995) suggested that the most prominent show of true kindness is often found within the natural instinct of the child, who learns to suppress it as he grows older – for fear of seeming weak.  This may go some way to explain why it is not always commonplace in a professional setting. Yet, kindness is free and as the philosopher, Seneca, suggested can form the fulfilment of humanity.  

It should be noted that as more and more services move towards automation and removal of human contact, moments of kindness may be fewer in a world that is slowly draining of compassion.  When one can sometimes no longer trust in friends or family to act kindly, the compassion of the workplace is something that must be heralded as positive and worthy of encouraging rather than something to suppress.

Written by Dr Audrey Tang.
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