Have you ever driven by a landfill, or found yourself driving behind a garbage truck, on a hot, humid day? If so, have you ever found yourself overwhelmed by a stench so rancid you had to roll up all the windows to avoid feeling physically ill?
Believe it or not, this really is something I ask company leaders. The first thing I hear in response is some variation on “Yes, of course.” The second response is a look of predictable confusion and even concern, an expression that translates as: “Why on earth are you asking me that? Aren’t we supposed to be talking about leadership?”
We are. Indulge me for a moment, because that stench-while-driving experience is a powerful reminder of a critical, non-negotiable leadership principle: No garbage is allowed on the premises. And the fact is, many of us lead teams that are drowning in garbage – garbage that smells (organizationally speaking) just as bad as that garbage truck does. And sometimes — not always, mind you, but sometimes — we ourselves are the source of the stench.
Whenever we catch a whiff of the kind of garbage I’m talking about, we will of course want to make sure that it’s disposed of immediately and properly … even if (especially if) we were the ones who dumped it on the team in the first place. Yet that responsibility, I find, is not always something leaders want to hear or act on. Think about this for a moment. We wouldn’t haul a rotting plastic sack of real-life garbage into a meeting with our team. And if someone else did haul that bag in, we’d make sure it got cleaned up, quickly, wouldn’t we? By the same token, we as leaders have a moral and practical obligation to make sure that all the psychological garbage that gets dragged in the door gets tossed out in the landfill where it belongs … and doesn’t end up making our whole workplace stink.
HEAD TRASH IS REAL
Now, you might not be used to thinking of psychological garbage – what David Sandler, the founder of our company, called “head trash” — as a real thing. But it is real. And to prove that, here’s a hypothetical example of the kind of garbage I’m talking about, and the smelly consequences of ignoring it.
Jim is your lead salesperson. He’s been with you for about three years. He’s good at what he does, which is build business relationships with prospective clients. Like a lot of salespeople, though, Jim can sometimes be overwhelming when it comes to communicating internally about how best to ensure that a commitment he has made to a client gets fulfilled seamlessly. Sometimes the leader of Jim’s team makes excuses for that intimidation by saying that Jim is “intense” or is a “complicated guy.” These are euphemisms. Jim’s got head trash – and it stinks.
Yesterday, Jim closed a deal during a discussion with Anita, the CEO of a HugeCorp, a Fortune 1000 operation. Jim has been working hard to add this account to his company’s logo collection for about a year now. Jim’s attitude toward Anita during all his calls with her can be described as “sweetness and light.” He’s not overwhelming when he talks to clients. This morning, though, Jim called up Keiko, a member of your Service Delivery team who came on board sixty days ago. Keiko is responsible for working with Jim to make Anita’s company’s experience with your firm a positive one. So: Jim dials Keiko’s number. Keiko picks up and greets Jim brightly and politely.
Jim says: “Keiko, Jim here, just wanted to put HugeCorp on your radar screen. Maybe you’ve heard of them: Fortune 1000. Major new client. Anyway. This just closed yesterday — I’m going to need you to take care of A, and B, and give me an extra-big scoop of C on this rollout. Needless to say, we want to be sure the launch goes absolutely perfectly. Meaning: the opposite of what usually happens, Keiko. Okay? Now, I’ve scheduled the launch call for next Monday at 1pm, Anita’s the CEO, she’s going to be there, and I need you to be on the call, too. Thanks, gotta go now, mark it down on your calendar ….”
Did you smell something just then? Thought so. Me too. Head trash.
THE CRITICAL PARENT HEADSPACE
Side note: Any time we tell someone what to do (example: “mark it down on your calendar”) rather than making a quiet, tactful suggestion … and any time we make a cutting remark with the subtext “I wouldn’t have made X mistake” (example: “the opposite of what usually happens”) rather than highlighting our own shortcomings … we’re communicating from a headspace that’s technically known as Critical Parent. In terms of communication between adults, this headspace makes most exchanges less productive.
There’s a lot more I could say about the Critical Parent headspace, but for this article, just think of the most abrasive, annoying, condescending, toxic, control-freak of a teacher you ever had to put up with while you were growing up. Now hear that teacher talking to you, in front of the class, about a mistake you made, making you feel awful in the process. The voice you are hearing is the voice of Critical Parent. People who spend all or most of their time in Critical Parent during an interaction with another person are, in our experience, highly likely to be dragging around bags of unresolved head trash.
Back to that call. Jim is about to hang up when Keiko jumps in, just a split-second before Jim hits “disconnect.” Keiko says: “What? Wait – hang on a second, Jim, just need to talk to you about a couple of things, is that okay?”
“Make it fast.” (Another direct order. More Critical Parent.)
“Well, I really don’t want to cause a problem, Jim, and I definitely will talk to Amy, my supervisor, about this call … but Mondays at 1pm are already booked solid for everyone here in Service Delivery. That’s our big monthly team meeting. Is there any way we could set up another time for this?”
“Oh, Keiko. Keiko. Please don’t tell me you’re asking me to go back to the CEO of a Fortune 1000 organization and tell her she has to reschedule a launch meeting — on my most important deal of the year. That isn’t what I just heard you say, is it?”
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
Man, that garbage truck is grinding out a sickening odor right now, isn’t it? Everyone within a hundred yards of it must be holding their nose. This particular evidence of smelly garbage is known as Victim Mindset.
There’s a lot more I could say about this headspace, but for this article, just think of a triangle with three points. One of the points is marked Victim. One is marked Rescuer. And one is marked Persecutor. Those three labels mark the borders of a game that never ends, a game that nobody wins … unless they decide not to play at all.
Jim wants to play that game, and he wants to play hard. He’s got some time-tested Victim moves in his repertoire, which means he knows exactly how to produce that particular stink in virtually any situation. And as you’ve probably already guessed, this is another reliable sign that Jim is dragging around a big bag of head trash.
THE COST OF IGNORING GARBAGE
Keiko sighs. “Look, Jim – if it’s an important deal, I guess I can talk to Amy about rescheduling our team meeting. I’ll let you know what she says. But listen, there’s something else important we need to talk about if you’ve got a moment –- “
“Make it very, very fast, Keiko – I’m about to jump on a Zoom call.” (Direct order. More stinky Critical Parent headspace.)
“Well, you said this account’s going to need A, B, and C. A and B are no problem – but the rate sheet says we need to charge 10% extra if they want C – did you mention that surcharge to Anita when you talked to her about pricing?”
“Listen carefully, Keiko. This is a big deal. I can’t bother a CEO with something minor like that during a presentation. Do me a favor – just this once, as it’s obviously a special situation — throw in C at no charge.” (Direct order. Critical Parent.) “Believe me, the margins are going to make sense on this contract, because, as I say, it’s an absolutely huge deal – and anyway, I already promised C to Anita without a surcharge. So, save us both some time here and just do it.” (Two direct orders in one sentence. Jim’s Critical Parent is really stinking up this conversation.)
“I’m sorry, Jim, but Amy’s told me that any time we give a client C, we need to be sure to charge 10% extra. I mean, that is what’s on the rate sheet, so maybe we should call Amy and …”
Jim interrupts: “Are you serious? Call Amy? I do not believe this. Somehow, we always manage to get this kind of static from Service Delivery. It happens every time we close a major deal. And you know what else? It’s always worse with the new hires. Like you. Let me ask you something, Keiko. How long have you been here? That’s not a rhetorical question. How long, exactly? Tell me.” (Did you notice the masterful blending of both Critical Parent and Victim here from Jim?)
Now, if for some reason you didn’t smell that distinctive, overpowering, garbage-truck-on-a-summer-day odor when I mentioned it a couple of paragraphs ago, I’m guessing you can’t miss it now. The stench is everywhere. Whether Jim realizes it or not, his garbage truck is stinking up the whole organization.
Because, that morning, Keiko quits. And Amy then calls you. Wondering why.
OF LEADERS, OUTCOMES, AND CULTURE
Here’s the point. As leaders, we are responsible, not just for the team’s outcomes, but for the team’s culture. In fact, our team’s culture is what produces the outcomes. And for a truly effective leader, culture means living, modeling, and defending the company values – not just when it’s convenient to do so, but all the time. That’s literally our job. And if the publicly circulated list of our company’s values doesn’t yet include the value of Respect … is it possible we should be thinking about how we can add Respect to that list? It’s a question worth considering closely. Garbage culture typically doesn’t produce nice-smelling outcomes.
This whole discussion is part of a big leadership lesson that we help leaders to find for themselves … typically, in their own garbage. The lesson I’m talking about is rooted in what David Sandler had to say, years ago, about head trash. His insights are just as timely today as they ever were.
The hard truth is, people with head trash don’t always notice how bad it smells. Sometimes, people with head trash need a little support and patience and guidance when it comes to assuming personal responsibility for excavating the garbage and carting it off to the nearest landfill. So, guess what? If I’m Jim’s manager, I need to find an appropriate one-on-one opportunity to have that difficult private conversation with him. There’s some garbage to take out. But here’s the thing. Long before I start that one-on-one session with Jim, maybe I also need to ask myself: Did I bring this garbage into the building?
In other words, is the way I treat Jim, and the example I set for him, having any negative impact at all in terms of his communication with members of our organization – or with anyone else outside the organization, for that matter? For instance: How often do I communicate with Jim from the headspace known as Critical Parent? How often do I play the Drama Triangle game with him?
I’m not going to sugar-coat it. These are big questions. Sometimes the garbage in question really does originate with the leader’s head trash. I’ve shared just a couple of examples of head trash that may be finding its way into the building through our personal example. There are many more to consider. For instance: We may try to balance the goal of being seen as a strong and effective leader with the goal of being liked by everyone and please everyone. Well, leaders inevitably find themselves having to make the kinds of decisions that will not make everyone happy. Avoiding this kind of decision, or pretending to ourselves or others that we haven’t made it, may be another sign of head trash we need to take out.
For help on identifying a member of your team’s head trash – or who knows, maybe identifying some of your own – email us. We may just be able to help. And speaking personally, I know I’ve had a whole lot of experience taking my own bags of garbage out of the building and tossing them into the dumpster … where they belong.
Written by Michael Norton.
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