How to Successfully Influence Others as a Leader

In leadership, influence is the key driver of high performance and trust is the cornerstone behind influential leaders. A leader’s ability to guide, inspire, and persuade is not just about authority or expertise—it’s about connection, dialogue, and trust. Throughout my career, I have seen that the most effective leaders, much like skilled hostage negotiators, understand how to create deep emotional bonds and navigate conflict to drive high performance.

But what does it truly mean to influence others impactfully? It begins with a mindset shift: moving from command and control to engagement and empowerment. The best leaders do not take people hostage through fear, nor do they allow themselves to become hostages to their own emotions, limiting beliefs, or external pressures. Instead, they harness the power of secure bases, dialogue, emotional intelligence, and negotiation to lead with impact.

The Mindset of Influence: Freeing Yourself First 

Before you can influence others, you must first influence yourself. Many leaders unknowingly operate in a state of psychological captivity, trapped by fears, past failures, or limiting beliefs. This is what I call the hostage mindset—a state where a leader feels powerless, reacting to circumstances rather than shaping them.

The antidote? A shift in the mind’s eye—the way we frame and perceive challenges. As a hostage negotiator, I learned that my ability to control my emotions in a high-stakes situation could mean the difference between life and death. Similarly, leaders must regulate their own emotional states to lead effectively.

Ask Yourself:

• Am I leading with optimism and a playing to win mindset, or am I stuck in fear and playing not to lose?
• Do I focus on what I can control, or am I constantly reacting to external pressures?
• How do I manage conflict—do I engage in dialogue or avoid difficult conversations?

A leader who cannot manage their own emotional state cannot expect to inspire confidence in others. Leaders who cultivate self-awareness, emotional regulation, and resilience become powerful influencers in any environment.

The Power of Bonding: Why Relationships Are Key to Influence 

In hostage negotiation, survival hinges on creating an emotional bond with the hostage-taker. The same principle applies in leadership: people are influenced by those they trust, respect, and feel connected to.

Leaders must prioritize secure base leadership—a concept rooted in attachment theory. A secure base is someone who provides both safety and encouragement, empowering others to take risks, innovate, and perform at their best. Leaders who serve as secure bases offer a unique balance of support and challenge.

How to Become a Secure Base for Your Team:

• Demonstrate genuine care: People follow leaders who they believe have their best interests at heart. Invest time in understanding your team’s motivations, goals, and challenges.
• Set high standards with support: Secure bases challenge people to stretch beyond their comfort zones while providing encouragement and guidance.
• Foster psychological safety: When people feel safe to express their ideas, take risks, and fail without fear of retribution, they are more likely to be engaged and innovative.

When leaders create bonds based on trust, influence follows naturally. Influence is not about coercion or manipulation—it is about connection.

The Mentor Who Listened First  

When Sarah took over as the new department head, she inherited a team that was skeptical and resistant to change. Instead of imposing her vision immediately, she scheduled one-on-one meetings with every team member, asking about their challenges, aspirations, and ideas. Over time, as she acted on their feedback and demonstrated genuine care, her influence grew. The team, once hesitant, began to trust her leadership, not because she had demanded it, but because she had earned it through connection.

Mastering Conflict: Put the Fish on the Table

Many leaders avoid conflict, seeing it as a threat to harmony. However, conflict, when managed effectively, can strengthen relationships and drive performance. One of the most powerful leadership lessons I teach is putting the fish on the table.

This metaphor, inspired by the Italian fishermen, refers to the importance of addressing issues openly rather than letting them fester. A dead fish left under the table rots and creates a toxic environment. Similarly, unresolved conflict erodes trust, engagement, and productivity.

How Leaders Can Master Conflict:

• Engage in constructive dialogue: Conflict should not be about winning or losing, but about reaching a deeper understanding.
• Be direct but respectful: Clarity and honesty build trust, even in difficult conversations.
• Stay emotionally regulated: When emotions run high, pause and recalibrate before responding.

The Leader Who Turned Conflict into Opportunity  

During a tense team meeting, two colleagues, Jenna and Tom, clashed over a project direction. Their manager, Eleonore, didn’t silence the disagreement or take sides. Instead, she encouraged them to “put the fish on the table” and facilitated an open conversation. By guiding them to see each other’s perspectives, Eleonore turned conflict into constructive dialogue. Over time, the team learned that disagreements weren’t threats but opportunities for growth, strengthening trust in Eleonore’s leadership.

Great leaders use conflict as a catalyst for growth, not a source of division. By addressing challenges head-on and engaging in meaningful dialogue, leaders foster a culture of transparency and collaboration.

Negotiation as a Leadership Tool 

Effective leadership is a continuous process of negotiation. Whether you are negotiating a major business deal, aligning your team on a strategic vision, or simply persuading a colleague to see a new perspective, the principles of negotiation apply.

As a hostage negotiator, I learned that negotiation is not about dominance, but about finding common ground. Leaders who approach negotiations with a collaborative mindset—seeking win-win outcomes rather than zero-sum victories—build long-term trust and influence.

Keys to Successful Negotiation in Leadership: 

• Listen first: The best negotiators listen more than they speak. Deep listening allows leaders to understand underlying needs and motivations.
• Frame the conversation positively: Shift discussions from problems to possibilities. Instead of saying, “We can’t do this,” ask, “How can we make this work?”
• Know Your non-negotiables: Great leaders stand firm on their core values while remaining flexible in their approach.

Negotiation is not just a skill for business deals—it is a daily practice for any leader who seeks to inspire, align, and drive action.

Emotional Intelligence: The Underlying Strength of Leaders 

Decades of research, including studies by Daniel Goleman, have shown that emotional intelligence (EQ) is a stronger predictor of leadership success than IQ. Leaders who understand and manage their own emotions—and recognize the emotions of others—have a distinct advantage in influence.

How to Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence: 

• Self-awareness: Regularly reflect on your emotional triggers and leadership impact.
• Empathy: Truly seek to understand the perspectives of others before responding.
• Adaptability: Be flexible in your leadership approach, adjusting to the needs of different people and situations.

Leaders with high emotional intelligence create stronger relationships, drive higher engagement, and navigate challenges with confidence.

Key Points: Leadership is Influence, Not Authority 

Influence does not require formal authority; influence requires leadership. The most impactful leaders are those who:

✔ Lead themselves with clarity, purpose, and emotional control.
✔ Build deep bonds based on trust, care, and challenge.
✔ Master conflict through open dialogue and courageous conversations.
✔ Approach negotiation as a process of collaboration, not competition.
✔ Cultivate emotional intelligence to connect, engage, and inspire.

If you want to influence others successfully, start by becoming a leader worth following. Leadership is not about taking people hostage—it is about setting them free.

Written by George A. Kohlrieser.
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