How to disagree with respect without attacking others

Respectful disagreement seems like a lost art in our increasingly polarised world. Social media is full of people shouting at each other, with rage fuelling the algorithms. This hostility is creeping into workplaces too. But disagreements aren’t inherently bad. They’re crucial for good decision-making and team performance. We need to learn how to disagree respectfully and how to debate ideas without attacking the other person. Here are 10 tips to help you navigate this delicate balance:

1. Regulate your emotions
   Before you react, take a moment to breathe. Put a pause between your reaction and response. Take a few deep breaths or stand up and walk away from your desk before firing off that email, commenting on a social media post, or snapping at a colleague. This pause gives you a chance to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
2. Get curious not furious
   In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lash out with statements like “That’s ridiculous!” Instead, try asking questions to understand the other person’s perspective. For example, say: “That’s really different to how I see things. Can you tell me how you came to that position?”

   This empathetic approach helps to uncover hidden nuances and ensures the other person feels heard. It also helps to uncover further information that will allow you to provide a considered response that the other person is more likely to listen to.

3. Ask yourself whether it’s necessary to engage.
   Pick your battles. Not every disagreement is worth engaging in. Sometimes, the best response is no response, especially with manipulative people who bait you. Before you engage, ask yourself if it’s necessary. Sometimes, it’s not about changing the other person’s mind but rather about standing up for your values – like calling out racism or other unacceptable behaviour – or making sure an alternate position is on the record.
4. Focus on your desired outcome
   Focus on the outcome you want to achieve by engaging in the conversation, not what your initial emotive response tells you to say. Your goal should guide your communication. Are trying to influence, document your concerns, or call our poor behaviour? Yelling, blaming, and shaming won’t help you achieve these goals.
5. State your intention
   Make it clear why you’re sharing your view. For example: “I’m raising this because I want to offer a different viewpoint based on my experience. My aim is not conflict.” Stating your (positive) intention helps the other person understand your motives and reduces the likelihood of them feeling attacked.
6. Use “I” statements
   Speak from your perspective with “I” statements to avoid sounding confrontational. Say “I disagree” rather than “You’re wrong”. This small shift in language makes a big difference in how your message is received. “I” statements allow you to have challenging conversations without sounding aggressive or accusatory.
7. Stay hard on the issue, soft on the person
   Debate the issue, not the person. Keep your focus on the facts, circumstances, behaviour or actions rather than making it personal. For example, say: “I was disappointed with your behaviour in that meeting. It’s ok to be frustrated but it’s not ok to yell at a colleague” instead of “You’re a horrible person for yelling at them like that.” Remember, you are dealing with a human who has an opinion and probably thinks they’re right, just like you.
8. Find common ground
   Remind each other of shared goals. For instance: “We both want what’s best for the company. We just have different views on how to achieve that.” By focussing on common ground you keep the conversation solution-focussed rather than problem-focussed. This approach minimises the chance of either party getting off track or going into attack mode.
9. Agree to disagree
   If you can’t reach agreement, it’s okay to say: “Let’s agree to disagree.” This phrase gives both parties an out. You’ve both said your piece and don’t have to change each other’s minds. This respectful acknowledgment of differing views helps maintain a positive relationship despite disagreements.
10. Know when to disengage or shut it down.
    Even with the best intentions on your part, some conversations can turn abusive or unproductive. If your personal safety is threatened, the discussion harms your cause, ground rules are ignored, or behaviour descends into chaos, it’s time to call it quits. On social media, stop replying. In person, make it clear what will happen if the behaviour doesn’t change. For example: “I’m happy to have this discussion but if you keep swearing, I’ll have to end the conversation.” Then follow through.

By following these tips, you can keep disagreements respectful and productive, whether online or in the workplace. In a world that often feels divided, practising respectful disagreement can help bridge gaps and foster better understanding.

Written by Leah Mether.
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