It’s Not Your Personality, It’s Your Habit: Building a Conscious Approach to Conflict

Conflict is a part of life. It occurs in boardrooms, at dinner tables, and within us. While it may feel deeply personal, your approach to conflict is not a fixed part of your personality—it is simply what you have practiced the most. Your approach is a habit, a learned behavior that you can change. Conflict is not a verdict on your character; it is an opportunity to connect, understand, and grow.

As a leader, consistently acting on this opportunity can foster innovation, clarity, and stronger relationships. Recognizing the distinction between reacting and responding is crucial. Reacting is often automatic and emotionally charged, driven by patterns you’ve unconsciously rehearsed. Responding, on the other hand, is deliberate and thoughtful. It’s about choosing your actions in alignment with your goals and values.

Let’s explore five key questions to help leaders move from reacting to responding and build habits that turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and collaboration. 

1. What tends to trigger you negatively in conflicts or difficult conversations?
   Every leader has unique triggers, often stemming from personal values, past experiences, or underlying fears. A trigger could be a perceived lack of respect, someone questioning your authority, or feeling excluded from important decisions. For instance, if someone interrupts you during a meeting, you might interpret it as dismissive or undermining.Understanding your triggers requires self-awareness. Take time to reflect on past conflicts and identify recurring patterns. For example, if you found yourself feeling defensive, angry, or disengaged, what was the trigger? Naming these triggers is the first step toward managing them constructively.

   Practical Tip: Keep a conflict journal. After a challenging interaction, jot down what happened, what you felt, and what might have triggered you. Over time, this practice can reveal patterns and help you anticipate future triggers.

2. What is your habitual reaction in those moments? What do you tend to think, say, and do?
   When triggered, we tend to fall into habitual reactions that can escalate tensions. These reactions might include attacking, withdrawing, or blaming. For instance, if you feel challenged, you might respond with sarcasm or defensiveness. Such habitual reactions are often automatic and rarely contribute to a productive resolution.Practical Tip: Practice mindfulness to pause before reacting. In heated moments, take a deep breath, exhale, and ask yourself, “Is my reaction aligned with my values and goals?” This pause can prevent impulsive responses and create space for more thoughtful action.
3. When does that typically happen?
   Triggers often arise in predictable contexts. You might find yourself more reactive during high-stakes meetings, when working with a particular colleague, or when under tight deadlines. Recognizing these patterns can help you prepare.For example, if team meetings often provoke frustration, reflect on why. Is it because the discussions lack structure? Are certain team members dominating the conversation? Pinpointing the conditions where you tend to fall into unhelpful habits can help you prepare to consciously choose alternative actions.

   Practical Tip: Before entering known “hot spots” for conflict, visualize the interaction going well. This mental rehearsal can prime you to approach the situation with calm and clarity.

4. What need(s) is your habit of reaction trying to meet?
   Your habitual reactions may have served a purpose in the past, even if they’re unhelpful now. For instance, interrupting someone might stem from a need to be heard, while withdrawing might be an attempt to protect yourself by avoiding challenging information. Understanding these underlying needs is crucial for finding healthier ways to address them.Practical Tip: Ask yourself, “What need am I trying to meet by reacting this way?” See the habit as a strategy that is separate from the need. Shifting your focus to the underlying need can open the door to more constructive responses.
5. What alternative actions of response could help you meet those needs in a constructive way?
   To shift from reactive habits to constructive responses, explore alternative actions that align with your values and objectives. For example:
   – If your need is to feel heard: Instead of getting stuck in resentment, express your interest clearly. For example, say, “I’d like to share my perspective after you’ve finished.”
   – If your need is clarity: Rather than getting defensive, get curious. For instance, ask, “I’d like to better understand your perspective. Would you be willing to talk more about what’s most important to you in this?”Over time, these intentional actions can become new habits that foster trust, respect, and collaboration.

   Practical Tip: Role-play potential conflicts with a trusted colleague or coach and solicit feedback on your approach. Practice responding in ways that address your needs constructively.

Building a Foundation for Constructive Conflict 

Conflict is inevitable, but how you respond to it is entirely within your control. Practice these five steps during low-stakes moments, so that you’re prepared when stressful situations arise.

As a leader, your approach to conflict sets the tone for your organization. By examining your habits, reflecting on their impact, and adopting new strategies, you can shift from reacting to responding and inspire your team to do the same.

While these changes won’t happen overnight, consistent practice and intention will help you and your team build constructive, lasting habits of response in challenging times. Conflict can become a place of possibility.

Written by Dana Caspersen.
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