Connecting With People Who Aren’t Like You

When you approach this new aspect of your leadership role from a position of honor (not privilege), willingness (not force), humility (not pride), and joy (not misery), you embrace every aspect of it. You “get to” become an Ally Leader, even as you know you “have to.” Ally Leadership is both a requirement of today’s leaders as much as it is a source of delight, satisfaction, and triumph. This is not an optional thing you can choose or not. You must adopt and practice Ally Leadership consistently if you are to remain relevant.

As an Ally Leader you must be intentional about connecting with people who are not like you.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that because you are a nice person or because it’s the right thing to do, you will automatically take these actions. You won’t. This cognitive process goes beyond the “right thing to do.” Much of the change involves you removing your in-group bias by making the unfamiliar familiar.

As you begin your practice as an Ally Leader, you will consistently Ask, Listen, and Learn so you can become the best You to those you lead. Here is how you become a true Ally Leader:

Ask yourself a few questions: Do people who are not like you seem comfortable when interacting with you? What are five things that you have in common with each individual who is not like you? What types of struggles have you both experienced? What do you respect about those not like you? How can you spend more meaningful, one-on-one time with individuals in your out-group?

Listen: Learning how to actively listen is a true art form. Active listening simply means that you do not let your mind wander or become distracted, but instead focus one hundred percent on the person speaking, regardless of how different they are from you or whether you agree with them. You use all of your senses to hear them. You listen with your ears and your heart by putting yourself in their shoes. You watch their body language and facial expressions because some of the most powerful words are unspoken. You repeat or rephrase their questions and comments so that you truly understand the essence of what is being said. You will know when you’re in active listening mode because you’ll find yourself immersed in their world as they speak to you.

Learn: When you listen intently to someone, you learn how to bring out the best in them. You will learn what they need from you in order for them to be more productive. You’ll learn how to attract or retain them as top talent, how to communicate your vision and your company’s mission and purpose, and how to communicate cross-culturally, making your personal brand a global asset.

You: All of this positions you to take action on things you deem important. In order to have a team that consistently wins, you must first know what makes them winnable, what makes them tick, what they need from you as their leader so they can be more effective. What’s going on in their world that has become a hindrance for them? What are they excited about or interested in? Most importantly, how can you use your power and insight to change the situation and help them win? After all, you are the leader; you make things happen.

Whatever you ask, listen, and learn, you then must act on. That’s what it means to be an Ally Leader.

When you ask, listen, and learn, you discover new truths about those who are different from you. Most importantly, you learn more about yourself, what triggers you, and new ways to rise as an Ally Leader. The techniques to do all of this are simple, but at the start can seem complex, even intimidating. A few of the most simple techniques include:

1. Think about what you hope to learn. Don’t assume anything because one of the main hindrances to Ally Leadership is assumption. When it comes to people, you must judge everyone based on your interactions with them, not on what you have heard or read about the demographics they belong to. What’s important to them? What’s unique about them? What excites them most about their work or life? How can you help?
2. Ask open-ended questions and stay away from questions that require a yes or no answer. Asking too many closed questions that require only a yes or no response causes people’s defenses to go up. They begin to feel as if you’re backing them into a corner. Closed questions tend to start with Do, Did, and Are. As an example: “Did you take time off?” Open-ended questions become extremely useful when trying to understand someone and allowing them to open up.

   Those questions tend to start with How, What, Why, and If. As an example: “What do you like to do during your time off? What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you?

   If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to overcome?” Expect to hear things that do not align with what you have always believed. When that happens.

3. Ask follow-up questions to comments that do not make sense to you. Because you are learning something new about someone you’re probably not that familiar with, it’s common to have your current belief system challenged. When that happens, dig deeper by asking more questions. Do not let the fear of sounding stupid or feeling uneasy stop you from going deeper. Remember, you are seeking to understand.
4. Say “Thank You.” After asking questions and learning something new, thank them for taking the time. A simple thank you makes people feel appreciated and gives them the sense that you found the conversation valuable.
5. Ponder. Spend time reflecting on what you learned. What is one thing you learned about them that you didn’t know going into the conversation? What’s one thing you discovered about yourself because of the conversation?

As you begin your new Ally Leadership journey, you will have to make some adjustments to your typical leadership style and persona.

Do not panic. Remember, you are going into this with honor, humility, willingness, and joy. You won’t lose yourself; instead, you will gain the respect of your entire team, particularly those who are not like you. You will become the undisputed hero of your team.

The above was excerpted from the title Ally Leadership, How To Lead People Who Are Not Like You by Stephanie Chung.
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