To self-reflect or not to self-reflect: How to overcome the complexities of self-awareness

Self-awareness is often referred to as the cornerstone of personal growth and fulfillment, but the journey to understanding oneself can feel like traversing a labyrinth with no clear path forward. It becomes even more challenging because most of us genuinely believe we are self-aware, when in reality, we are far from it.

Why is self-awareness so important? 

Alain de Botton adeptly highlights the importance of self-awareness in his book The School of Life, by arguing that we pay a very high price for our self-ignorance. “Feelings and desires that haven’t been examined linger and distribute their energy randomly across our lives. Ambition that doesn’t know itself re-emerges as panic; envy transforms itself into bitterness; anger turns into rage; sadness into depression.”

Self-awareness is paramount for personal and professional development due to its multifaceted benefits. It enhances emotional intelligence, enabling us to manage our emotions effectively and foster better relationships. With a clear understanding of our values, strengths, and weaknesses, we make informed decisions aligned with our authentic selves, leading to greater satisfaction and success. Moreover, self-aware leaders inspire trust and authenticity, fostering healthier relationships and creating environments conducive to collaboration and innovation.

Why is it hard to achieve? 

We often remain unaware of the forces at play within ourselves. There is no simple path to self-awareness.

It’s evident that introspection isn’t a skill commonly taught, leaving many feeling overwhelmed by the constant stream of data they encounter daily. This can lead to confusion and a sense of helplessness, causing some individuals to become frequent self-analyzers. Others opt to avoid introspection altogether, citing a lack of time as their main excuse, choosing instead to hide behind this justification rather than confront themselves honestly. And others claim that they’re doing great in this area, but in most cases they’re either making up excuses for past failures or comforting themselves that they’ve run a rigorous SWOT analysis on themselves and then fall into a trap of claiming that they’re working on it.

How can self-awareness be achieved? 

The good news is that contrary to popular belief, self-awareness is not an innate trait reserved for a select few but a capacity that all individuals can develop through intentional effort and practice.

Here are some of the most common pitfalls that will help you understand the process and what most of us have been doing wrong while self-reflecting:

Pitfall #1: Asking Why 

Most of the times when we sit down to think about how a particular event went, the most common questions we ask ourselves are things like “Why did I behave this way?”, “Why did my colleague get upset with what I said?”, “Why am I not confident enough?”, and so on. Our brains aren’t wired to answer such questions. We don’t have the mental capacity to reach that deep into our unconscious and find the answers to our most stressful concerns. Instead, we create facts that seem logical to us at that moment in time, we soothe ourselves and continue living in a world created by our own interpretation of reality.

Asking why while self-reflecting also guides us to find an excuse rather than an action that will enable us to develop ourselves and possibly push our boundaries.

Tasha Eurich’s research gives us a fundamental shift in perspective – from asking “why” to exploring “what.” This simple yet powerful adjustment transforms the self-awareness journey from an abstract quest for meaning to a practical exploration of actions and behaviors.

Traditional wisdom might urge us to delve into the why behind our feelings, exploring deep-seated insecurities or childhood experiences. However, if we reframe the question to: “What specific actions can I take to overcome these challenges?” then we find ourselves creating an action plan. And it is through our actions that we can create reactions which then lead to opportunities.

 Pitfall #2: Focusing on the self 

Seeking external feedback is an often-overlooked aspect of self-awareness. We all have blind spots – areas of our personality or behavior that are invisible to us but apparent to others. By soliciting feedback from trusted mentors, colleagues, and friends, you can gain valuable insights into your blind spots and uncover opportunities for growth.

Even if you don’t actively seek feedback, you can still gather information just by listening. By tuning into others’ perspectives and examining their reactions towards you, you can gain insights into your own behavior and interpersonal dynamics.

Pitfall #3: Accepting oneself 

It goes without saying that embracing your strengths and weaknesses without judgment and treating yourself with kindness and understanding, is crucial, especially during times of struggle or failure. However, the trap here is accepting yourself for the sake of convenience rather than adopting a mindset of continuous learning and curiosity. There is a fine line between saying “this is who I am” and “this is who I want to be”. The first is usually an excuse to remain in our comfort zone, while the latter is a commitment to create a better version of ourselves.

True self-acceptance involves acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses with honesty and compassion. It’s about recognizing that while we may have areas for development, we also possess the capacity for change and transformation. This involves setting goals, learning from mistakes, seeking feedback, and committing to personal growth. Through this process, we not only honor our authentic selves but also empower ourselves to evolve and create a life that reflects our deepest values and aspirations.

Self-awareness is not just about self-reflection; it’s about self-action. It’s through intentional and purposeful steps that self-awareness manifests its true potential, guiding us towards a deeper understanding of ourselves and our impact on the world. It’s the conscious choices we make, the rituals we cultivate, and the behaviors we exhibit that truly reflect our level of self-awareness and shape the trajectory of our lives.

Written by Maria N. Papacosta.