What tough life events taught me about true resilience

Last year tested my resilience like no other. From parenting my daughter, who has a complex nervous system disability called PDA, a profile of autism, to responding to a life-threatening crisis when my husband was attacked, I’ve come head to head with what it means to lead in moments of uncertainty.

Before this, I’ve lead in times of uncertainty in the workplace many times. But nothing has come close to the experiences of this year. These experiences reinforced lessons about adaptability, collaboration, and embracing complexity—not just as a parent and partner but as a leader committed to creating systemic change in workplaces and beyond.

So Calm in Crisis: I whipped off my top! 

Earlier this year, my husband was attacked on a night out. I found him on the ground, bleeding from a knife wound. In that moment, I wasn’t panicked. I was focused. I reassured him, looked around for something to stop the bleeding, and, finding nothing else, whipped off my top to apply pressure to the wound.

I made the calls. We got the help. Even when the police arrived, they asked if I worked in emergency services because of how calm I appeared. But this wasn’t just surface calm—it was genuine focus and clarity. It’s primal, mammal to mammal, signalling safety in a way that transcends words.

Reflecting on that moment, I felt gratitude for my ability to handle crises and for my ADHD, which allows me to thrive under pressure. When I’m well-supported and healthy, I can show up at my best—and that’s when I can help others most.

My Daughter’s Story: It’s complex 

Parenting my daughter has been equally transformative, though in a different way. For most families, starting school is a milestone filled with excitement. For us, it was different. Wearing the school dress caused her physical pain—sensory discomfort so intense it was unbearable. Together, we found a solution: she wore pyjamas under her uniform. That protective barrier allowed her to put on the green dress and look like she belonged, even if she didn’t feel like it.

On her sixth birthday, after being out of school for months, she wanted to return for just one day to share doughnuts with her class. We planned everything carefully. I cleared my schedule, declined an invitation to keynote a big conference and she was excited. But when the time came, she asked for 30 more minutes. That turned into three hours of tears as her body wouldn’t let her do what she so desperately wanted.

These experiences have taught me that capacity fluctuates. Growth isn’t linear or predictable—it’s messy, deeply human, and rooted in understanding and meeting needs. Leaders, too, must recognise this as they support their teams.

Leadership Lessons from Crisis, Complexity and Parenting 

Control Is a Trap 
In both parenting and leadership, I’ve learned that control isn’t the answer. When my daughter’s body doesn’t cooperate, or when a crisis like my husband’s attack unfolds, I can’t control the outcome. Instead, I focus on assessing the situation, creating safety, and adapting as needed.

Leaders face the same challenge. Trying to control people or outcomes limits creativity and exacerbates stress. True leadership lies in creating environments where people feel safe, supported, and empowered to do their best work.

In moments of crisis, whether with my husband or my daughter, my ability to stay genuinely calm made the difference. This is what I call Mindset X—the ability to manage your internal state, adapt to complexity, and create clarity in uncertainty.

Leaders, like parents, must become grounding forces for those around them. Co-regulation is about more than words; it’s about projecting safety through your presence, enabling others to navigate challenges with confidence.

The “My View + Your View Formula” 
Many solutions with my daughter—like the school uniform workaround—have come from using what I call the my view + your view = bigger view + something new formula. I bring my perspective as her parent, and she brings hers as the one experiencing the challenge. Together, we co-create solutions neither of us could have found alone.

Leaders can use this same approach to integrate diverse perspectives, uncovering innovative solutions. It’s not about compromise—it’s about collaboration that leads to better outcomes for everyone.

Misunderstanding Neurodivergence 
Much like schools often misunderstand the PDA profile of autism, workplaces frequently fail to accommodate neurodivergence. Behaviour is communication, and capacity fluctuates. Yet too often, rigid norms prevail, creating environments that harm rather than help. Leaders must challenge these assumptions and build workplaces that prioritise adaptability and inclusion.

I was going through this experience with my daughter while writing my book. As I reflected on what would be helpful for leaders I’d worked with and the patterns I’d seen emerge there, I wrote about perspectives and how leaders who use contemporary methods must expand their thinking by integrating diverse viewpoints. Seeing challenges through multiple lenses opens the door to creative solutions and fosters innovation. Systemic change starts with leaders who embrace this mindset.

Another practice, Coaching for Growth, focuses on helping leaders embrace stretch experiences that build their capacity for ambiguity and complexity. Leaders who invest in this type of growth are better equipped to navigate uncertainty and drive meaningful change. The world needs more leaders like this.

On my 40th birthday, after months of my daughter being housebound, my family went to the beach together. We ate ice cream, climbed the rocks and kicked the sand. It was a small moment, but it was everything. I took a selfie video so I’d never forget what progress and deep gratitude feels like. Hot tip- it’s full of ugly tears. Growth isn’t always big or obvious—sometimes, it’s found in the small wins that build momentum over time.

In leadership, the same principle applies. Leaders don’t need to overhaul everything at once. By starting with small experiments, they can create immediate impact while paving the way for larger systemic shifts.

My Reflection  

2024 taught me that leadership is about more than skills or control—it’s about presence, adaptability, and growth. Whether responding to a crisis, parenting a neurodivergent child, or leading a team, the principles are the same: go with needs, not norms. Embrace complexity. Celebrate the small wins. And commit to creating environments for everyone to be their best. All three pedals of excellence, Performance + Growth + Wellbeing are needed.

Written by Louise Gilbert.
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