We don’t always need a counsellor, but we always need a mentor… and it has real implications for our professional life too.

I’ve lost count of how often I’ve seen it and heard it, and it’s increasing, everywhere. They come, they talk, and they’re subdued. Quietly depressed. Not genuinely happy. Men and women are struggling to find their way, decide what to do, not knowing whether they’re making the right decision. Just not confident at all. They have no-one to guide them, to follow, no example. No confidant. No role model.

Why is it so? 

The reasons? Numerous, but while technology has done wonders for communication and business, it hasn’t helped the need for human ‘contact’. Quite the opposite I suggest. For many, it’s quite isolationist. It doesn’t mean we can’t change things. It does mean we need to.

And who are these people? 

Often in their 20s and 30s, but not unusually right through to their 50s, so many are stabbing in the dark. And that’s stressful. And worrying. And risky. Is this a good relationship? Are these arguments normal? I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong? Or am I at all? I’m being told I am so I suppose I must be? Are these good people I’m with? How do I respond to this person; this manager? How do I dress for this occasion? How do we raise this child? Is this behaviour normal? What house do I buy? Should I buy at all? Is this a good deal? I’m not feeling quite right about this. Maybe this is normal? Have I been wrong all along? Should I give this a go? Is it normal at my age? Is this too big a risk?

And then sometimes the ‘advice’ starts.  

Well-meaning friends, colleagues or even family who ‘know what’s good for them’. Train-wrecks.

It follows then, not even considering anything else that may be going on, that endless, insidious anxiety is a driver in the search for relief from the stress. Of course. Why wouldn’t it be? Often though it should have been sought long ago. So much also, it shouldn’t have been necessary. Go back some decades and there was none, not really, at least not of a professional kind. For all the issues going on around the globe, we’re lucky to live in this age. We have learned a lot. Assistance is available.

How then did people manage without it? Well, if something doesn’t exist, we just deal with things with what we have. That doesn’t make it good, or right. We don’t know anything else. There was no internet once. Life went on. Waiting for a letter was fine. Actually, it was great.

It also doesn’t mean families or parents were always better either, but one thing is for sure, for better or worse, I think there were more role models.

And now we need them more than ever. Good ones, that is.

Psychological assistance is excellent, and essential. I think it’s often not the only answer, or need, however. Actually I think a large proportion of people I talk to fall into this category. Or they need both.

The term ‘mentor’ is thrown about a lot.. 

And most of us I’m sure, think we would be good mentors. Maybe we would be. Or could be.

What makes a good mentor though? What does one do? And how do they do it? What do we need? Do we require a good background ourselves? Or do we have to have had a poor or unfortunate one to ‘understand’ (a common refrain). Do they have to have ‘walked the walk’? The same walk as a mentee? What character traits should they have? Need they be known to the mentee beforehand? Can they assist with business decisions? Career decisions?

We need to talk about those things, but one thing is for sure. Mentors aren’t there to tell mentees what to do. They listen. They, ‘…in my experience’. They ponder and bounce ideas. They provide strength. They are a rock. They are safe. They don’t attempt to influence. They are not perfect, and say so. They are genuine. They are humble, yet quietly confident. They’re absolutely mature. And absolutely non-judgemental. They don’t even have to be heavily interactive. Often their very existence is enough.

No human patinas, and certainly not in it for any self-interested reason.

For those of us who have had someone, think hard about what it might have been like without them.  

I wonder if you can. It’s a really hard thing to do, to put ourselves genuinely in another environment in our minds. But try. Write things down if you like. Perhaps, if I’d only had one parent… What would have been different. If I’d had two? If I was raised elsewhere? With a different socio-economic status? Completely opposing influences?

And there’s a very powerful parallel for our professional careers and businesses. Mentoring isn’t a new concept in business, especially within senior ranks, but in truth it has too often been not mentoring at all, but cloning – at least towards what a particular business or leader wants. The risk? We’re holding ourselves back, and missing out on better.

But find a good one, if you can that is… Mentors need mentoring first. 

Written by Chris Smith.
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