The dangers of outsourcing identity to work and career

Ever since the first Industrial Revolution in the 1780s, and the migration of male workers from farms to mines and factories, the landscape has continued to shift as more and more men have derived their value and, consequently, their sense of identity, from the work they do.

While Abraham Maslow proposed his Hierarchy of Needs in the 1940s, it was Tony Robbins who offered his ‘6 Core Human Needs’ model in 2006 which showed that we all have a unique combination of needs across six major life areas: Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love & Connection, Growth, and Contribution.

What came out of his research was that as humans, these needs are Core Needs, everyone has them, and they’re not negotiable. We will meet them consciously or not, sometimes resourcefully (with intent) and sometimes not (by accident). They are fulfilled by us participating across a range of activities, such as our primary relationship, work/career, hobbies, social/family network and other areas such as our community.

Coping with life shifts  

It’s a common issue that as men, when we enter into a committed relationship and children come along, many of us lose contact with mates, so our relationship, family and work become the only remaining activities of focus, because that’s all we have left. It’s also where, if things are going well at home and at work, we feel worthy and valued, and our life feels like it’s in balance.

For a man who’s only deeply identified with this work, this can become a major component of his core identity, and it’s quite normal for a man who meets another man for the first time at a social gathering to ask, “And what do you DO?” This establishes an unspoken framework to keep the conversation superficial and ‘safe’, as each man shares something about that they do, and how that fulfils them.

A man’s commitment to his career can also impact the quality of his relationship, with many men facing divorce, often due to a lack of focus, presence and attention. This is reflected in the highest percentage of male divorces in the 45 to 49-year-old age group. We also see the highest numbers of male suicides in the 40 to 44-year-old age group, indicating that many men who lose their job or relationship, now feel lost, cast adrift and without purpose.

It is not unusual to hear of a man who’s poured everything into his career, missed important milestones with his family (like school plays, sports events, presentations and even birthdays), only to be unceremoniously dumped in a restructure, overlooked for a promotion or experience retrenchment.

Work/Life separation  

Therein lies the danger of attaching our identity to the work we do, and this is where we can get into trouble, because once that identity is threatened or we lose our job, for example, we feel that we lose a significant part of who we think we are, with sometimes catastrophic consequences, as this can greatly affect our self-image and feelings of worthiness. How do we change this?

One way is to use Tony Robbins’ model to do a ‘gap’ analysis and ensure we are not highly dependent on just one area of our life, for our self-worth and value. This helps us see what we need to do to create a healthier balance.  Try this easy self-assessment, for which you’ll need an A4 sheet of paper, and works best in landscape mode. Write the list of the six core needs beneath each other, in a column on the left side, with the column labelled 6 Core Needs. These are Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love & Connection, Growth, and Contribution. Draw 5 other columns to the right with headings of Relationship, Work/Career, Hobbies, Social/Family and Community.

Now, you’re going to rate each row. Start with Certainty and put a score from 1 to 10 under each of the five column headings.  A score of 1-3 is a low score (unfulfilled), while 8-10 indicates a high level of fulfilment in that area. For example, your work might provide you with Certainty (maybe a 7) but if you feel your Relationship is going through a rough patch, you might rate it as a 5 for Certainty. Complete for the remaining columns of Work/Career, Hobbies, Social/Family and Community.

Address the gaps  

Now do the row for Variety and continue across the row, then move to the Significance row etc, until you’ve finally completed the matrix. The important point here is to look for the gaps:  where are your low scores, are they across one Core Need, and if so, what can you do to balance the mix?

Many men who have done this personal stocktake, have realised that their Work/Career column contains their highest scores, while some of the others barely rate a mention. They quickly see their lives are out of balance, and it only takes one event, such as losing their job, for their sense of worth and identity to completely collapse.

Once you know where your gaps are, you can implement changes (take up a new hobby?), then repeat the assessment in (say) six months’ time, and see if anything has shifted.  Has Work/Career become more or less of your identity, have you improved your Social/Family scores, where do you still have gaps?

This process is a powerful way to monitor our happiness, since, if our 6 Core Needs are being met across a balanced range of life areas, chances are we will feel happy and fulfilled. We really must meet these needs across a range of different areas to ensure we are focusing on keeping our lives in balance. Then, if we do get blindsided by an unforeseen event, we have other areas we can count on, while we navigate the challenges ahead. What areas can you improve to not outsource your identity to your work and career?

Written by John Broadbent.