Finding Your Tribe: Why Male Friendships Are Essential for Health and Happiness

Men need the company of other good men. Whether we head back to our primal past and across many cultures, where men’s and women’s business were often and deliberately separated, men have ‘sat in circle’ to share stories, teach younger people, learn, address tribal conflict, resolve interpersonal issues, and discuss important community topics for millennia.  It’s part of our social DNA, yet due to modern lifestyles, many men have lost connection with each other, and consequently, themselves.

The longest ever human study project commenced at Harvard University in 1938, and is still running today, continuing to answer the question, What Makes Us Happy In Life? It has repeatedly and conclusively shown that longevity and happiness are intertwined, and continues to affirm the vital importance of meaningful relationships across a whole range of mental, physical and emotional health factors.

Having just returned from a long weekend with over 40 men, ranging from 24 to 78, off-grid, participating in some ‘men’s business’, it’s been over a year since my last opportunity to do so, and I could feel my need growing for some solid male company and what I refer to as some functional testosterone!

Let me be clear, this was an expertly facilitated annual event, with a coordinating team, catering, and a framework for the weekend, which allowed me to relax into the experience and hear men speak about a range of topics. I hadn’t seen some of these men in person since 2019, so this was an opportunity to catch up and rekindle some solid male friendships.

I often hear of men who’ve focused so much on their work, relationship, or family, that in doing so, they’ve let good mates and friendships fall by the wayside. If this is you, then here are seven ways you can start to build your own supportive tribe of men:

• Find a local, in-person men’s group: some are ‘closed’ men’s groups (meaning they’re not open to new men), so look for an open men’s group (aka OMG!) and enquire about how they work and when they meet.
• Find an open online group: with virtual meeting platforms like Teams, Zoom and Meets, there are now many groups offering free online catch-ups. As a new member, you’ll usually be welcomed and advised in advance about how the group functions and the specific ‘rules of engagement’.
• Start your own men’s group with some mates: there are many online resources that can help with the setup, guidelines (like confidentiality), approaches, meeting frequency, and general setup. Find a comfortable, private space, such as a room or a place where you won’t be disturbed. Public places like pubs, clubs, cafes and restaurants are not ideal, unless you can secure a private room. Make it alcohol-free, at least for the meeting itself.
• Attend a men’s gathering: these are often run annually, across QLD, NSW, VIC, SA, TAS and WA, and some are more than 25 years old. They are managed by professional, experienced facilitators, where large groups of men (50-200) usually convene in the bush (nature is a wonderful, natural environment!), for a weekend of camping, mateship and exploration of what it means to be a man in this modern world. If you’re cautious about going on your own, invite a mate or two. These events can be a deeply bonding experience from which many men have gone on to form their own, private men’s groups.
• Find a retreat-style event: these are smaller, more intimate and usually longer events (up to a week), sometimes overseas, allowing for a deeper exploration and accelerated personal development. Make sure you check out who’s running them and that they are experienced. Ask to speak directly with the facilitator(s) as well as any men who’ve previously been on such retreats, as references. It’s vitally important that the facilitator(s) know how to create and hold a safe space for all involved, so you know you’re in good hands.
• Start with a meal: organisations like The Men’s Table started in 2011 with a handful of mates getting together once a month at a local restaurant for dinner, in a private room. The intent was to create a safe space where the men could speak, share, learn and support each other. Today, there are now more than 200 ‘tables’ in Australia!
• Join a team or club: if you once played sport, find a local club and explore what options are available. There are many seasonal and off-season-based activities where you can meet regularly with like-minded men, and allocate time, just for you.

The singular purpose of all of these is to be with other men, in a safe, connected, respectful and non-judgmental environment, where you feel you can speak freely, be heard, not be advised (unless you specifically ask), and learn to listen deeply to other men, their lives and experiences.

Often, you’ll hear how they might be navigating a difficult time, or have emerged from a tough situation, or are struggling with an immediate issue and seeking the support of other men on how best to move forward. It’s in these times that we come to realise that as men, we often stand on common ground.

Sharing, listening and understanding, in the presence of other men who can hold an empathetic ear, is where the real magic unfolds, lasting and purposeful friendships are formed, and a place we can finally find our tribe.

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Written by John Broadbent. Have you read?
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