To successfully embrace change, we first must own and face the loss

With every change, regardless of whether it is good, bad or ugly, there is always a loss. Once we recognise and understand this, there needs to be some form of closure to draw the line in the sand, so we can stop looking back and start looking forward.

With every change, there is always a loss. Our mind loses something. Our mind already has the embedded memory and a neural pathway with habits attached. So, when something is removed, our mind struggles to let go of it because it has become part of our ‘normal’ and standard expectations.

We need to understand the initial impact of change, regardless of how amazing it is, and the emotions that are triggered due to the loss that has occurred.

We must own this first, face the emotions and get closure.

Own the loss 

I bought a new car a few months ago and I absolutely love it! Evie (yes, of course my car has a name) is right at home and part of the family. I tell you this because I want to emphasise that this change was 100 per cent my choice and an exciting and great change.

The day Evie arrived and gorgeous George (yes, my previous car) was traded was a bit of a struggle. While I was gaining so much with my new car, I was also losing quite a few things:

• the familiarity of my old car and how all the gadgets worked.
• the comfort that I had created in George.
• the memories and smell of George.
• money out of my savings, as Evie was more expensive than the trade-in price of George.
• and the list goes on …

To process through this change, I had to own the reality of the situation, but in addition, own everything that I would lose. The reality was that I was getting a shiny new car, and this meant I would lose some things in the process. I had to weigh up in my head what I stood to gain vs what I stood to lose.

We know this guides every decision we make, yet quite often in change, we ignore what we stand to lose and just focus (or try to force people to focus) on the gain. The neural pathways that are embedded in our mind know that there will be something missing. To ignore this does not make it go away. It creates doubt and fear. Without this ownership, the change is already doomed for failure, as we are stuck at the beginning of the EI process and can’t move forward.

Face the emotions 

With every moment comes an emotional response. It’s time to understand the emotions that not just we are feeling, but that everyone is feeling due to the change.

These could be very mixed emotions. They could be excited, relieved, nervous, betrayed, deserted, scared, lost and others. Either way, every single one of these emotions needs to be felt.

It takes time and the right environment to identify each emotion and what is driving it. This is where we always face the emotions but don’t unpack our bags and stay there. It is okay to feel emotions. It is not okay to ignore them or downplay them.

There is a reason the mind is creating these emotions. They are coming from something that has triggered a neural pathway in the mind and the fight-or-flight response has been activated. This requires attention and processing.

With my new car, it was completely okay to be a bit sad for what I was losing. There were great times and great memories attached to the car. I didn’t ignore this; I spoke about it with my husband and kids, and we had a few laughs at some of the stupidity that happened in it and how it was a great car, and we would miss it.

Get closure 

This is the point where we draw a line in the sand — the finalising of what we are losing. The ability to look back and reflect before we think about moving forward.

We’ve felt and processed; now we ask ourselves:

• What would it take for us to be okay with this loss?
• What will create that line in the sand?
• How can we start to reflect on the loss as the past: remembering the good times, celebrating, showing gratitude with a growth mindset?
• What action is required to create this closure?

The answer to these questions is not going to be the same for everyone impacted, even if they are feeling similar emotions. Leverage the strength of the whole group to think of actions that would create closure for them and a chance to flip any fixed mindset emotions into a growth mindset.

Gorgeous George (my old car) received a full detailing service to look even more gorgeous. I was there to hand over the keys to the new owners. It’s not a lot, but that’s what was required in my head: the closure of passing the keys and watching him get driven away.

Creating the action around the closure is pivotal, but it is also pointless if we haven’t Owned It and Faced It prior to this. Without this, there will be people still stuck in the past, looping in their own head and fighting to not let go of the past regardless of how good the new future is.

Written by Amy Jacobson.
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