The Critical and Life Affirming Need for Conversations

Email, texts and social media mean people don’t talk much anymore, which threatens personal health and happiness and business success. 

After I selected a new office computer at my local Apple store recently, the 20-something, extremely helpful sales associate said I should go online as soon as I returned home to schedule “Genius Bar” time to transfer data between my old and new computers.  “Can’t you please make the appointment for me right now, since we are standing here talking?” I asked her. Seemingly surprised by my question, her response was heartening: “Yes, of course. Sometimes we get so sucked into using technology all the time.”  This coming from a representative of the citadel of all things digital.

I also volunteer with a Chicago nonprofit that provides life and career mentorship for community college students. My only rule in working with these ambitious young people: Our weekly interactions must be over the phone. Some calls are minutes long, others are up to an hour. I allow emails and texts above and beyond that, but not as substitutes for an actual conversation each week. In contrast, the nonprofit considers a monthly text exchange success.

My position: When connection and establishing trust are important, the digital world just doesn’t cut it.

“We have social muscles, just like we have physical muscles,” said former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. “And those social muscles weaken when we don’t use them.”

In his final year in office, Murthy made boosting social interaction and combatting loneliness a cornerstone of his work. His efforts included headline-grabbing research that found that social disconnection poses an even greater mortality risk than obesity and physical inactivity.

“The harmful consequences of a society that lacks social connection can be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic organizations, where performance, productivity and engagement are diminished,” he wrote.

The Power of Conversation 
From birth, social connections shape and influence us. It’s through interpersonal interactions with family, friends, classmates and professional peers and superiors that people learn how to engage in discussions, build relationships, develop trust, express ideas, collaborate with others, recognize how their behavior affects others, and adjust it accordingly.

These skills are largely learned on-the-job-of-life and drive “thousands of fleeting micro-decisions about what to say, how to say it and when,” according to Alison Wood Brooks, a Harvard Business School professor and author of TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.”

But the explosion in digital communications has discouraged us from talking as much as we once did. And it’s given us “iGen”—the first generation to spend its entire adolescence in the age of the smartphone. Thanks to the COVID-19 lockdown, this cohort of young people also largely lost out on learning and practicing the art of conversation during some of their most socially formative years.

Case in point: A colleague was working hard to build connection with a long-distance nephew facing some life challenges. It took a while, but the colleague finally decoded that, to his early 20-something relative, “talk” was a never-ending string of texts, never the spoken word.

I am struck by some of the monster emails I receive. The time-suck of writing and reading these tomes could have been avoided by simply picking up the phone, which would have provided the added benefit of a true connection between the sender and receiver. These opportunities are even more valuable in a world where the popularity of remote work already diminishes opportunities for interpersonal connection.

And these interactions can be far more meaningful than a one-off connection. Being skillful at connecting enables us to invoke traits such as solidarity and empathy, which can be critical in team-building and organizational success. In both my volunteer efforts and professional work with organizational executives, I stress the importance of being able to authentically talk and listen to people. A conversation that fosters rapport can transform a job interview into an employment offer, elevate a networking meeting into a solid business prospect or reinvigorate a sidelined relationship or negotiation.

Embracing Conversations in a Digital World 
With so much social and professional interaction now taking place via email, text and social media, how can younger people acquire these skills, and more experienced professionals sharpen them?

• Limit screen time. This is a no-brainer, but often the hardest to implement. We too readily default to digital interactions, rather than initiate an interpersonal encounter. Reducing the time spent online by even 10% or 20% allows more time and energy to engage with someone in the here and now.
• Spend time in “third spaces.” “Third spaces”—public arenas such as cafes, gyms, churches, neighborhood bars and libraries—also have decreased because of technology such as mobile-order apps, drive-through windows and self-check-outs, but they still exist. And apps such as MeetUp, Event Brite and Bumble Bizz, along with social and professional organizations, can facilitate both personal- and business-focused meetings in third spaces.
• Make a new connection each day. Very often the only daily interactions people may have are with the barista, the pharmacist, the bus driver or other mundane encounters. Seize these low-risk opportunities to engage with another person. Strike up a conversation with a neighbor, ask a store clerk for advice on a product, or introduce yourself to someone you don’t yet know at the office. Look for ways to create a meaningful conversation: Settle on a topic, ask questions and focus on your conversational partner.

Having genuine conversations isn’t an innate ability but it is an innate need. We have to work and practice to foster that skill. The time and effort invested can pay dividends socially, professionally and personally.

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