Arguments are often when we have difficulties in communicating our needs and feelings. The less communicative we are, the more possible it is that we will end up fighting.
Today we focus on how to ”win” a fight without having to become aggressive:
- Follow and lead
It is funny, but one has to learn how to follow to be able to lead at last. That’s right! Even though leading the conversation is a temptation for many people, it is a rule that is not in fashion anymore. Sometimes the quieter you are the more people listen to you. This happens because they stop feeling threatened, and they don’t feel they have to be defensive. Being aggressive is often a sign that the person feels he has to defend himself, and by attacking you, he manages to protect his territory. Some people say the attack is the best defense. The person who shouts is emotional, and if you yell, you will never be able to calm this person down. So following a completely different path and becoming the silent strength may work in your favor. Remaining quiet while being mad is undoubtedly a challenging task, but it is worth the trouble.
- Focusing on the other person
We lose our temper because we get overwhelmed with strong emotions, and we struggle to take control of ourselves by taking control of the situation, and of course, we most of the time, fail. To gain control, we have to change the focus of our minds. A nice way to do that is by focusing on the other person. Consider how they feel, sympathize with them, and try to step into their shoes. Remember, they are overwhelmed by their emotions as well and they feel like drowning. Trying to calm them by yelling at them is like trying to save this drowning person by hitting him with a paddle.
- The four steps for communicating
When an argument is taking place, there are four truths that are present. The things you are right about, the things you are wrong, and the rights and wrongs of the other person.
When the ”opponent” attacks you, let them start the blame game. In the beginning, they want to tell you everything that bothers them about you. It is the most unpleasant part of the conversation because you get to hear everything that is bad about yourself. However, you have to be patient because this process will allow the other person to let the anger go away.
The next step works again in favor of the opponent. At this point, the other person has to state why they are ”good.” In other words, they defend what they believe is right about them. If you don’t interrupt their mindset, this is how the conversation will evolve up to this point. It is a natural direction that has to do with the level of anger of the other person.
Up to now, we are halfway to the end. As you may imagine, this is where things start to work better for you. Once you let the other person say all the negatives about you and praise themselves it is your turn to start communicating your feelings. Here, you can say why you think you are right. What are the reasons for your behavior, and why do you think this is acceptable if not desirable?
In the last step, you can finally tell directly to the other person what you think is wrong with them regarding their behavior, character, and reactions. We advise you to do this as the final step because if you do it in the beginning the other person will become defensive and will not listen to what you have to say. On the contrary, if you place the blaming part at the end of the conversation after all this procedure has taken place, you will have a much more open interlocutor in front of you who will not be afraid to admit their mistakes.
Generally, the one who has the most patience and applies this script is the one who can determine the direction of the conversation and the temper of every person involved.
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