Leading While Grieving: Why It’s Strong to Be Vulnerable

What words pop in your head when you hear the term vulnerable? If you are like most of us, words that engender some form of weakness typically come to mind. Even a quick synonym search will turn up words or phrases that conjure up similar images. Terms like powerless, helpless, endangered, exposed, and unsafe are standard.

Unfortunately, many organizations have cultures that do not allow leaders to be vulnerable. They have conditioned and rewarded behaviors that reinforce the notion that leaders should be firm, know what to do at every turn, and hard-nosed enough to build and drive high-performing teams and not accept excuses. Nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to leading people. When a leader is vulnerable, they are human. Only when a leader is willing to be vulnerable will their people feel safe enough and confident enough to speak up, do what they know to be right despite policies, ask for help, and feel that they can express compassion and caring at work.

When an emotionally traumatic event strikes and a leader is thrown into the stages of grief, allowing themselves to be vulnerable is the most essential characteristic they can demonstrate for their team and possibly even for their family. In that vulnerability lies the ability for the leader to find peace and balance. In that vulnerability is the opportunity for the leader to help their team grow and develop. In that vulnerability, those around the leader can help—something they likely want to do, but don’t know how.

Here are two examples of leadership. What images, words, or phrases do each of these scenarios bring to mind as you read them? Which of these leaders would you rather work with? Which leader would you consider stronger? Which type of leader are you?

Scenario #1: A leader’s wife is diagnosed with a significant form of cancer. Surgery and heavy doses of chemotherapy will be required to save his wife’s life. The news devastates the leader as he knows what the next six months will bring to ensure she has a fighting chance at survival. Yet, he feels torn between the need to support his wife, which he knows he should do, and the need to lead his team at work and the big initiatives they have. In his mind, the only course he can see is to repress his grief. To keep his grief bottled up inside. He rationalizes that work needs him, and he can’t let his team down, so he goes to work every day and continues his brutal travel schedule while his wife deals with her doctors and treatments. He makes this choice in the name of the team, believing this is what makes a good leader.

Scenario #2: A leader’s son is diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. His son is in the prime of his life, but single and alone. Their hearts crushed by the thought of what their son will have to endure, the family pieces together treatment protocols and possible outcomes. The leader immediately pulls his team together and shares the news, fighting hard to hold back his tears, but to no avail. The first question from the team is, What can we do to help? In that moment, plans begin to be made for individuals to take on pieces of the leader’s workload, allowing him more time to be flexible with his schedule. As the meeting ends, the leader asks one team member to stay behind. After everyone leaves, the leader, with tears in his eyes, says, “I am not sure I can get through this without leaning on you.” The colleague replies, “I am here for you, man. Whatever you need.”

As a matter of course, but especially in today’s climate of rampant anxiety, fear, and grief, effective leaders have to be adaptive. In the second scenario, the leader was a model of Adaptive Leadership. He allowed himself to be vulnerable to his team. He shared his grief experience. He leaned on his team, asked for help, and allowed them to pick up some of his workload. These are lessons that will impact the culture of the team forever, and will make it easier for his team to do the same in the future. Expanding their responsibilities will lead to each of them gaining new leadership experiences, which will lead to personal and professional growth and development.

When leaders allow themselves to show vulnerability, a sense of caring and compassion begins to embed in the culture of the team. When that happens, the work environment becomes safer—not in terms of injury prevention, but safer from an emotional well-being perspective. When a team feels safe and cared for as people, the workplace culture shifts, and trust, engagement, morale, productivity, and retention all improve.

Here are key takeaways for all leaders who are struggling with emotional trauma or loss:

• The Adaptive Leadership model can be used to help the leader through their emotionally traumatizing event.
• Great leaders are not afraid to show their vulnerability, and through that vulnerability, they create a culture of safety for their people.
• Your team will want to help you in your time of need, so develop plans to let them.
• Great leaders let their people engage in their grief and allow them to take on more responsibility, which leads to growth.

Commentary by Anthony Casablanca. Here’s what you’ve missed?
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